Making great filter coffee is simple

I came across this comment on a 2013 Guardian article, and after I stopped laughing I knew I just had to share it.

Making great filter coffee is simple:

1. Use only single-bush beans, preferably from the same branch.
2. Burnish each individual coffee bean with a tiny loofah, until you can see your beard and square spectacles reflected back at you.
3. Crush the beans using an industrial-revolution-era steam press. Any coffee shop worth its salt will have one; Gurner & Fuckpants of Soho use the traditional donkey attached to a capstan to power theirs. Some of the beans may turn into diamonds under the extreme pressure – remove these, as they impart an overpowering note of geranium.
4. Brew at precisely 82.3 degrees celsius for 87 seconds. Sure, you can brew at 82.4 degrees – if you want your coffee to taste like complete shit.
5. We recommend using a glass pipette to actually imbibe the coffee. Place a single drop on each of your tongue’s taste areas, before smearing the aforementioned organ on a flat, inert surface in order to mix the flavonoids and terpenes properly. Any coffee shop worth its salt will have vanadium-coated steel tablets for this purpose. If they don’t – what the fuck are you doing in starbucks??